I was considering going "Michael Phelps" for the mid-season finale, which is a body-building show combined with a FWSW program. I thought it would be classy if I came out all glistening with a coat of vegetable oil and wearing a leopard print loincloth. After a Tarzan yell or two, I'd settle down and let the program continue peacefully. The only thing keeping me from doing this was my abundance of hair ...
I'm not sure how I wound up with such hairy legs, back, and stomach, but I have two theories: 1) while I'm asleep the hair on my head detaches from my scalp and relocates in the cool of the night, 2) there is no theory two (I couldn't think of another plausible explanation). I thought I would look into getting one of those waxing treatments to remove all my unsightly and superfluous hair. It would be great for the final weigh-in (I'd lose at least a pound) and I would be all shiny smooth! My mind was irrevocably changed this morning.
You see, my knees have been sore from a lot of running. At my wife's suggestion, I put some medicated patches on my knees overnight. While my hair was busy relocating (remember theory 1?), those patches slowly released soothing medication into my knees. It was glorious. When I woke up the next morning, I tried to remove them, but the adhesive was quite firmly connected to my leg hair. After several painful minutes of trying to take one off, I finally did the quick yank method.
There was so much hair on those patches that I think I'll try to sell them at the upcoming Johnny Appleseed Festival. I'm pretty sure I could pass them off as genuine otter pelts (otters smell like eucalyptus, right?). I may be hairy, but I'd rather be hairy than teary.